Single Parenting SUCKED… this week

Most of the time, single parenting is not a big deal to me. I’ve been doing it, the second time around, for over a decade now. I find joy in the endless hugs and opportunities to nurture my children as they grow into awe inspiring adults. Two out of the three are grown and on their own. They make me proud every single day by being good humans, loving people for who they truly are, dealing with stress in a classy way, and being confident in their decisions. The youngest is still home with me and is absolutely delightful. He is fourteen with the wisdom of an ancient prophet. Those who know my children, love each of them for their own unique personalities and their light shining brightly. It sounds cliché but I’m going to say it anyway: They are my world and my legacy. But it hasn’t been easy, especially this week.

This week sucked and not because of anything they did. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t get sick. Last year, I had Covid for 3 days. I thought it was a sinus infection because that is exactly what it felt like. A week later I realized I couldn’t taste or smell anything. And the time before that, was in 2009 when my face was paralyzed with Bell’s Paulsy (or so it was diagnosed because the true cause was unknown.)

Then, this week happened. It began as a most fabulous week. As Tuesday progressed and the Zoom call with my mentor/coach continued, I started feeling weaker and weaker. I thought it was perhaps due to being on the call for 3 hours and not eating much. All of the sudden, it hit me like a Peterbilt tractor trailer coming directly at me on the icy, blizzardy, winter roads of the Rockies with nowhere to go but in my face.. By Tuesday afternoon, I was done. I continued to be done for the next 3 days. I ate very little, but managed to stay hydrated extremely well with water and hot tea all infused with essential oils, fresh lemons, and honey. LOTS of honey. I gargled with salt water. I napped during the days after running a few household necessity errands. I slept some more. I gargled with the gross salt water some more. I took Ibuprofen. I did all of the things. I even closed the laptop and didn’t work for two full days. (For me, during the week, this is unheard of.) Nothing was easing the pain and discomfort I was feeling in my throat and mouth. My tongue was swollen and eating literally hurt. What was good for my tongue was bad for my throat and vice versa. It was time to go to the doctor for an illness other than a migraine.

I was 99.99% it was strep. Nope. It’s something bacterial and I have horse pills (on a swollen throat) to swallow for the upcoming ten days. Should be fun. The appointment was for 5:09pm. They called me back into the room at 5:39pm. The strep test swabs were taken and whisked away to another dimension. After a long while of waiting, I decided to take a nap. There, all alone in the room with zero movement, the automatic lights turned off. At 7:35pm I walked out with an unknown diagnosis and prescription meds called into the pharmacy across the street. All I had to do was drive over there, pick them up, and go home for the evening. Nope. There was an added step in there. I also had to wait until after 9:00pm since the pharmacy didn’t get the prescription until right before 8:00pm and it was going to take an hour to fill.

This was the moment I pulled out of the drive-thru, called my best friend, and lost it. I cried, used a few colorful adjectives, and pouted. I pouted about a LOT of things; most of which came out in the shower 4 hours later. I was beyond upset at the reality of my having to deal with one more thing on my own. I had had enough of being alone and doing alone. I wanted someone else to go back to the pharmacy and deal with the bull. I wanted to go home and just stop everything at that moment. (Not from a suicidal standpoint but from a very frustrated standpoint.) I wanted to throw a full-on, classic, three-year-old temper tantrum but couldn’t. If I acted out like that, who was going to pick up the pieces? Who was going to be my exit buddy? UGH!!! Doing it all alone sucked.

Between the breakdown call and the cleansing shower, I ended up getting the meds, drinking more hot tea, watching tv, and being short with my sweet son. I was stern with him, and I could feel his anxiety kicking up. I felt like the worst human on earth. He’s had to deal with being yelled at and trauma at a very young age. While the scene of our interaction played out, I saw the uncertainty in his eyes with a slight tint of unknown fear. Yep, gold star, mother of the year award — right here, please!!!

So there I was, in the shower, in full-on breakdown mode. I sobbed almost uncontrollably. The only reason I kept the slightest hint of control was because I didn’t want to scare my son. Oh wait, I eventually did that anyway when he realized I was having a breakdown. Will I ever find my way back up out of this rabbit hole? In the moment, I wholeheartedly doubted it.

I wept for the pressures of being a single parent. If I don’t work, the bills don’t get paid. I haven’t worked for 4 days this week. I wept for the way I spoke with my son and the unnecessary pressure I put on him. I wept because I hadn’t eaten in 4 days due to my mouth and throat being in excruciating pain. I wept as I looked at my body, now 4lbs lighter than 4 days ago. If you knew me at all, you know this weight loss is not welcomed. My 5’4” frame carries 120lbs quite comfortably. Now, 4lbs lighter, I felt frail. I wept because I felt all alone.

I teach people about Finding Freedom in Forgiveness & Healing. Here are the basic steps:

1. Set boundaries
2. Show grace — stop the slander
3. Learn to love yourself (daily self-care habits)
4. Find a community
5. Forgive

It was that finding a community part that’s been my greatest challenge over the past decade of freedom. Please understand, now, over the past 2.5 years, I’ve surrounded myself with amazing and wonderful people. If I were to reach out, they would do what they could to help me out — in a heartbeat. It wasn’t about them. Again, it was about me and the trauma I’ve endured.

I didn’t reach out to my community because it’s damn hard. It’s hard because I don’t want to appear weak. It’s hard because I don’t want to lean on others and be disappointed. It’s hard because I don’t want to trust others on that level. Keeping my distance has gotten the job done over the past decade. It’s allowed me to successfully live in survival mode. No judgement, no triggers, not backlash for my choices. Stay away to stay strong.

Lies. I was telling myself endless lies. I was sobbing in the shower, completely vulnerable, hungry, emotional and believing the lies I heard in my head. Community is built to have people to love you when you’re at your worst — NOT to push away when you need them the most. Community is to lean on when you want to sob uncontrollably because you’re starving and you don’t know when your tongue is going to get better so you can eat again. Community is to pray over you when you’re in the darkest dungeons and don’t see a way out. Community is trust. Being in community is hard!!!.

But what kind of traumaformational coach am I if I don’t reach out to my community when I need them most? I’m still a work in progress. Just because I know the steps, doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. We all do. And I think that’s the greatest take-away.

For those of you I’ve invited in to show up and be my support during the past 4 days, you have no idea how much you mean to me. The depth of my love and appreciation for you is immeasurable. For those of you who are in my community and you had no idea what’s been going on over the past four days, I just ask for your continued patience with me as I maneuver through these somewhat unchartered waters. I will continue to grow, and trust, and lean into you as we take another trip around the sun.

Being a single parent has sucked this week. As always, I look at the silver lining — and there’s a few of them to completely appreciate here:

1. I have a community
2. My throat will heal & I’ll eat again
3. My children still love me
4. Even at my worst, I can see the good
5. I am blessed by and grateful for everything the past 4 days have offered

Life lesson? SO many happening here! I’d love to know what you learn about yourself when you’re at your worst. Remember, this is a judgement free zone. I look forward to your insight and replies.

Most humbly,
Orsika Julia

P.S. If anyone offers me water or tea of any kind in the upcoming few days, I may have another breakdown. You’ve been adequately warned.